As I was writing Ms. Patti a comment on facebook... trying to describe the feeings that are being sloshed around in my being... I saw a pinball machine. (7/10/10)

I feel like before the race I was stuck in a pinball machine life. 
Bouncing around from place to place, job to job,weekend event, to party, to man. 
Sometimes I would get bright ideas to further myself and my ambitions that would launch me, propel me in a direction... thinking I was going to land in some stability and peace... but again... hitting hard again and again on things not my own. Racking up points and sin against me... not knowing how to wipe my score clean and to start over. Someone keeps hitting "new game" but it doesn't feel new... it's the SAME GAME!

Jesus reached in and pulled me out... He took me out of the repetitious game that was beating me down. God grabbed me by the hand... and I felt freedom... I felt His hand hold me... I was FINALLY secure. 

So why don't I feel secure now? I should... His hand is still holding me... but where am I? if I'm not in that game... the familiar game... bouncing around crazy, being beaten up... and coming up with my own plan, to prosper myself... what do I do? 

He held me in a suspended state for the year, healing and repairing the damage that was done from that harsh reality I was trapped in. He held me over the game... showed me the areas that were causing hurts and pains... but does He put me down in a new game? Does it look the same as the last? I know that I am stronger and better prepared for the things I'll hit... but the game has taken on more twists, more turns and more traps that before... when He healed, and strengthened my faith... He also opened my eyes and ears! WOW... the last game is worse than I thought... as my life is off pause... what does He have next for me?

The only thing I do know ... is that He's in control. Jesus rescued me from chaos, cleaned me up, wiped clear my score and HE has to have MORE for me. 

Pray for me please... that I come into, walk confidently in the "NEW" Rachel He shed His blood to make me... that I hear His voice and obey His call. 

I invite you to take a look around at the life you're in... does it look like the same game you've played over and over? How's your score? Is this game beating you and you are begging for someone to not hit that replay button... ask God to break through your life as you know it... rescue you from repetition... allow Him to heal and strengthen you... no matter what it takes... and as I am hovering in the unknown... I encourage you to take steps of faith that allow you to venture there too... just know this...

HE WILL HAVE YOU IN HIS HAND

it's the best place to be.

I am a Citizen of Heaven

My journey with Jesus has taken me to a point where I am understanding more and more how vital it is to know who we are in Christ. The TRUTH amongst the lies the world feeds us, the enemy feeds us, or even the things we accept of ourselves.

We HAVE TO know to be reminded of over and over of who we are so that we don't conform to this world, but be (being) transformed into the image of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To truly take each thought captive and bring it under the obedience of Jesus. It's a process of transformation under the blood of Jesus. Oh, the lies to our identity, and where our identity truly lies is something we need to be very aware of and alert to its position.

It's a never-ending battle. But the constant victorious stance is ours to have when one knows with certainty that they We ARE:

*I am going to touch on the RED lettered truths.

Lately I've been meeting with two other gals (my age) and the topic of eternity came up. Questions arose in the "once saved, always saved"... genre. Their comments erred to the side of needing to be a good person...and do good things to go to heaven, even after asking Jesus into your heart. Conversation lead its way to the truth that YES, after you ask Jesus into your heart and you are born again making the CHOICE to follow Christ and His ways (found in the Word, and led by His Spirit)One chooses to make the right choices an not to live in sin and the list goes on.

I can't disagree that all those things are good to do, self improvements etc (God improves, transforms)but when someone ASKS Jesus into their heart and confesses with their mouth through faith that Jesus is their Lord and Savior because they need a Savior from the sinfulness that we once were... this seals the deal!

So, then I was asked "What if someone does that and keeps on sinning and making wrong choices. They are still going to heaven? 

YES! And here is what Jesus showed me.

(The Vision)- I mentioned in the last blog I hadn't received a vision lately which was untrue this is the vision.

I walked the gravel road near my house. Mom and I call it the anointed road... because it is.. we meet Jesus there, walk with Him, talk with Him, praise Him some days, and cry out to Him in despair on other days. He meets us every time... all the time. I don't remember my particular mood that day. Quite possibly down (as it had been lately) I talked with Jesus and said to Him, "I can't wait to walk this same gravel road with You in Heaven." --- Now I add this note: I believe wholeheartedly that God gives us the desires of our hearts and He says He does and I love this road. I know this road is in heaven just as my heart loves it here... it will love it for all eternity in heaven as well. (this goes for several things we love in life)just a side note.

So...  I said to Him, "I can't wait to walk this same gravel road with You in Heaven."And Jesus responded, "You already are".... And He showed me a Mirrored image of the gravel road, I looked to the sky and saw myself walking (upside down) with Jesus on the same road I was currently on.

Now... I am here... but I am also there. Therefore WE are here... but we are also there.

I can't explain how exactly. But just as Jesus is here with us, and in Heaven interceding on our behalf at the right hand of God... we are there with Him. 

We are here and there.

As we are here though... follow me please... just like that mirror a REFLECTION...we are to REFLECT HEAVEN and the Glory of God here on earth.

That's how HEAVEN IS ON EARTH...that's how we are LIGHT amongst DARKNESS. Because we are little reflectors of Him.

The more we are cleaned off of the gunk and grime of this world, of sin, of whatever clings to the pureness of a shiney mirror we are allowed to REFLECT JESUS and be ALL of HIM and NONE of ourselves. 

Does this make sense?

Our position, the stance that we can take now knowing where our Identity Lies where our eternal place is; is one of Gratitude and Thanks, one of LOVE for Jesus who made it possible to be who we are and where our eternity resides.

As I saw this vision I bawled and I said over and over and over "THANK YOU!"

Jesus doesn't say when you die you will come to heaven and then be a citizen. He says WE ARE.

Philippians 3:20 But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,  

He doesn't say, When you get to heaven I'll try and find you a seat, or I'll save you a seat.

 Ephesians 2:4-6 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, ⁵ made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions it is by grace you have been saved. ⁶ And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus,

Made /Raised etc. is past tense, it's done... not going to make, not going to raise us up... He DID! We are!

Back to the conversation about once saved, always saved...

Yes. It's DONE.

Their response was to the effect of...that doesn't make sense.

And it doesn't ... it's called GRACE.

It's a gift.

We have done, and can do nothing to earn it, therefore it cannot be taken away.

Romans 8:38-39 ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

They also thought to some degree, well it's not fair. It's hard not to do the things (our flesh) we want to do but to choose (the Spirit) the things God wants us to, to honor and obey Him.

Why do those people who continuously make poor decisions and sin get to go with ease to the same place I am working hard to get to?

Working hard? As in grudgingly working? Really?

This is where we need to understand our position in Christ that we are in Heaven and we live to reflect His goodness and love which brings Him glory and us joy. In that understanding the only logical response is pure and simple GRATITUDE and LOVE for HIM.

This then fuels our choices, our decisions, our actions and it isn't HARD work. It's a natural response to the Lover of our souls. It's out of the Overflow that we are to operate.

 ⁵ For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. ⁶ For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with,that we should no longer be slaves to sin- ⁷ because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.

 ⁸ Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. ⁹ For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. ¹⁰ The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.

 ¹¹ In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. ¹² Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. ¹³ Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. ¹⁴ For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.

Slaves to Righteousness

 ¹⁵ What then? Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace? By no means! ¹⁶ Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey-whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? ¹⁷ But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. ¹⁸ You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.

 ¹⁹ I am using an example from everyday life because of your human limitations. Just as you used to offer yourselves as slaves to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer yourselves as slaves to righteousness leading to holiness. ²⁰ When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. ²¹ What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! ²² But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. ²³ For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

So I end in this.

Spiritual Sausage

Probably my strangest blog title to date. But we have a funny, creative, and loving God that lends its way to title a blog as so.

Here's the story.

I went to church on Sunday (as all GOOD Christians do) (jk) and actually got there a half hour early. I got the time wrong for some reason. But I was thrilled to have the time to journal and just process the 62 hr work week I just had.

As I sat there, sound and media guys were putsing with the days audio/video stuff. The executive Pastor, Darin was there and said something to the guys in regards to the piecey video work they were doing.

He said something to the effect of "sausaging it together" They were like "what?" and actually asked him what he was talking about.

He said, "it's like sausage, the parts and pieces that go into it are messy but it sure tastes good when it comes together."

I had to smile at the conversation I was overhearing.

As I was worshipping... (this is dumb) I thought to myself... "God, I haven't really gotten a vision from You lately"... (which is untrue) ... but during worship I hadn't (which often I do)... and the thought of Sausage came back to me... I thought... eww...

But what was said was "SPIRITUAL SAUSAGE"... we are all a mess, and messy... but when wrapped (encased) in the Holy Spirit, we sure taste good to a hungry world.

I randomly had that sausage thought (sounds weird) throughout the day... when I went to bed after a really hard evening (emotionally)... I cried to Jesus. CRIED. A while later... again... "                             Spiritual Sausage"... I got up and wrote this down in my journal...

It's all a mess before it's ready to be eaten.

Messy parts and pieces, encased in the Holy Spirit - edible to others.

Our testimony, our lives, FEED HOPE to the hungry and dying world.

Feed them JOY on a platter of HOPE in the presence of the LORD.

A FEAST at the table of the KING.

YOU'RE WELCOME HERE... Only the BEST for YOU.

So I fell asleep... (had a dream)... not about sausage... Woke up this morning, went on the treadmill, said my daily identity in Christ confessions... some declarations etc. Headed to work... which I was then told to go back to a jobsite VERY close to my home.

Trying not to be super pieved at the situation... I drove to the jobsite... on my way there... here is what passed me...--------->

I was shocked (yet not) to see this number... it's Derek's number... or a number that God has given him for years... just reminding him He loves him and is with him. Since I started dating Derek (not now) I received the number in NUMEROUS places... reminding me to pray for him and confirming our relationship... (that's what I took it as) so... anyway... here we have the truck passing with the number 22.

 

Here's what Ambassador means: (noun)

1.a diplomatic official of the highest rank, sent by one sovereign or state to another as its resident representative (ambassador extraordinary and plenipotentiary).

2.a diplomatic official of the highest rank sent by a government to represent it on a temporary mission, as for negotiating a treaty.

3.a diplomatic official serving as permanent head of a country's mission to the United Nations or some other international organization.

4.an authorized messenger or representative. Abbreviation: Amb., amb.

2 Corinthians 5:20

Street Ministry.

Every Friday night is Street Ministry. We meet in the main building of the Dream Center at 6:30 pm to pray and pack the vans to "hit the streets". Street evangelism is the goal, bringing light into darkness and love to the lost. There are students, volunteers and some staff that go out to various locations in the City of St. Louis. 

Two popular locations are Tent City where the homeless live in tents along the Mississippi river and another spot is the Delmar Loop which is completely opposite of tent city. Tent city is where the homeless have "nothing" and may be more open to God's love and the saving grace of asking Jesus into their hearts. The Loop as it's called is a few blocks of coffee shops, shopping, restaurants and neat boutiques where you'd probably find me on a weekend with friends. A young crowd who many don't know the Lord, but aren't lacking the necessities like those in tent city.  It's a bit harder to evangelize to this group. They are busy, distracted and don't have the time to spend talking about a Jesus who saves... what do they need saving from? They've got all they need (so they think - so I used to think). Especially when this Jesus asks us to lose our lives in order to find life in Him.   Why would those at the loop want to lose the "good thing" they've got going on? Whereas those at tent city are more likely to lose the little they have for the hope of something better. So... last Friday...

I was assigned to the Loop. Not thrilled about it because it meant I would be outside the 2+ hours we go out and this particular night it was about 12 degrees. If I were to have gone to tent city we would be outside but there are campfires and a building that a lot of the residents gather in to warm up before they head to their tents to sleep. The other thing about the loop is just getting ready for the rejection of disregarded conversations and bigger barriers to break through in order to simply talk to someone. I don't mind talking to strangers... I actually love striking up conversations with people I don't know. There's something about street evangelism that carries a bit of pressure though. Evangelism is defined as the preaching of the gospel; the work of an evangelist with missionary zeal, purpose, or activity. There typically carries an agenda to lead people to Christ. Early on as we walked the parking lot I told God to help us, I told Him that He knows our hearts and we just want Him to lead the right people to us. We are willing and here for You tonight. You know our hearts. We don't want this to be difficult or discouraging in anyway. Please help us to reach Your children. That was my prayer.

I was with Lera and Tim who are classmates of mine. We decided that we just want to BE LOVE to people... which is the essence of Jesus... we went to Starbucks because it was freezing out and got a small coffee to warm us up. This did my heart well too. 

I purposed this evening that  I was just going to be ME and not have a PLAN to how to strike up conversation and "lead people" to the Lord. So I talked to Nancy as she made my coffee. Nancy is 19 and just had a baby with her boyfriend and she's tired. I told her what the others and myself were doing on a cold Friday night and why we came in to warm up... I told her that we go out on the streets to tell people "God loves them" and I asked her if she believes in God. She said, "yes"... I told her that He's the one to go to when she's tired and stressed. She was responsive and thankful to hear kind words. We bid her goodnight and walked out in the cold. 

I can do this. I can share the love of Jesus. It's just kindness, and allowing the spirit to lead. Well. Here leads the Spirit... we stop by a restaurant where there were outside heaters that we paused at. As I stood there a car pulled up to the sidewalk. A white Lexus, a woman was driving and she dropped off the man. He got out, wearing cowboy boots, a cowboy hat and a nice fur/leather jacket. He got out and directed her how to park the car. It caught my attention. I watched them. She got out of the car and was wearing a light gray sweat suit. Something didn't seem right. The guy walked across the street with her tagging behind. They arrived at the restaurant and he opened the door and walked in, in front of her. I could feel her hurt, her feeling of unworthiness. I said out loud to Lera, a friend of mine that "she doesn't feel worthy of love", I then made a statement I didn't realize would actually come to pass. I said, "I would go in the restaurant and find her and tell her, God loves her and that she is worthy of love." Lera said, "Let's pray for them." So I prayed that God would meet her, that she would experience His love and know she is WORTHY... Jesus died for her to make her worthy! I prayed that Godly men and women would come into their lives to have a good influence on them. I may have prayed some other things but I don't remember now... we carried on walking. We eventually made a loop and came down the other side of the street where the restaurant was that they had gone into. I didn't think about it really, until we saw the guy outside smoking a cigarette. I might have said "hi" to him and proceeded to walk past him. He grabbed our attention by asking if we were college students. We approached him and started to talk. He spoke of being baptized in Jamaica and being a king. We were confused. He said something about Dabu dabu, literally something strange that made him "a king of kings and a lord of lords"... I LAUGHED and said, "Really?!? I serve a KING OF KINGS and the LORD OF LORDS, and HIS NAME is JESUS! (and I believe I kind of pushed him on his chest... when I said the name Jesus) - I think back and don't really know why I would do that... nervously I laugh now. Wow! He went on to talk about non-sense and blow cigarette smoke in Lera's face. I mouthed to Lera I was going to go inside and find the woman. So I left the conversation and went inside. The hostess asked for my id and I told her I wasn't going to stay that I was just going to find a woman and leave. She let me go in.

I asked the Holy Spirit..."lead me, lead me, lead me..." I found her sitting by herself. I touched her shoulder and said, "mam, I saw you outside, I needed to come and tell you GOD LOVES YOU... and you are worthy of His love, His genuine and sincere love." I kept rubbing her shoulder as I said this... she responded with a smile, and "thank you's..." I left to go outside and knew it was done. As I got outside I saw the guys hands on the shoulders of Lera and Tim and I was peeved. I stepped in to break it up and didn't want him touching them. I interrupted and he mentioned being a king again or an heir of some kind... I said something to the effect of ONLY by the blood of Jesus are you and heir to the throne of God. Then I pointed to his belt buckle where there was a cross. I said look you even have a cross on you. It's because of the Cross and that's it. I cut off the conversation at that and walked away with Tim and Lera. We proceed to pray off anything that may have stuck due to the nature of the conversation with the man and the blowing of smoke in Lera's face. (a common witchcraft practice of transferring spirits)... We ended in praising God for divine appointments and the wonderful leadings of the Holy Spirit. God guided our steps and we just had to be open and willing to take the steps He orders. 

My prayer was that whatever was said, the touch of my hand, that GOD was continuing to do a work in her. That something settled differently in her spirit that night. That she heard and felt His love in a way that stuck, sunk and really meant something. We prayed that the man would come out of the deception he was so engulfed in and that they would come to know the Love of God.

Tim, Lera and I were amazed at the sequence of events and how God orchestrated it all. I was thankful for the observations I picked up on early on... feeling that "something wasn't right" it all seemed so clear to me... but I really didn't know God would take me up on my offer that "I would go in the restaurant and find her and tell her, God loves her and that she is worthy of love." I am so glad He did. THANK YOU GOD... for this street assignment on a COLD Friday night on the Loop. Being led by the Spirit... is quite an adventure. NO one will ever convince me that being a Christian, following the lead of Christ is boring. I would laugh and say... sit down a while... go through some blogs... God moves, leads, and directs the steps of a willing heart...

"Willing heart, GO I need you out there..." -GOD. Sept.09

It is long overdue for an update on life, and the leadings/ movement of God. I honestly feel blog deprived... there is something therapeutic about blogging... a release of the things of God. What I am learning, what I am going through and often what I am in need of prayer for. 

I am at the St. Louis Dream Center getting my Masters in Applied Christianity. Don't ask me what that means or what I will do with it. All I know is I am in God's will and where I am suppose to be in this season, which is evident in my life. God is so good.

I SERVE. I LEARN. I WORSHIP. That's what I do. This consists of about 60 hours a week. REALLY! I calculated the time into classes, outreaches and volunteer opportunities. This excludes HOMEWORK. Which is a lot too, with reading, scripture memorization and my thesis (75 page paper). Truly God's grace is what enables us to "keep on, keeping on"... there is no other explanation. Added on top of this for me is an exercise class I am going to be doing with the girls here. The lady students of the Ministry Academy. This is going to me M-W-T-F-S... please pray for me that I don't BURN OUT. God is my portion and I will be sustained, but wisdom is also something He's given me, and I need to walk in that as well. 

I am learning SO MUCH... and growing at rates I can't begin to tell you. God's Word is becoming more real to me and more powerful than ever before. There is an urgency in my heart to ingest the His Word and to feed the multitudes in His timing. I can't quite explain it, but every little moment of every single day He is teaching, guiding , growing and showing us more of Himself and more of the way in which we should walk. SHOULD I say... because it'where we find the peace, freedom and His presence. Something we were made to crave. 

MOVEMENT. 

That's what I can sum it up with. It's a good word. God's moving and I want to be in His wake. I know that He has called me here and what's been on my heart is that He has called Derek and I as well. Please pray for us. 

Please keep me in your prayers.

I need them more than ever.

*Last Semester- to have balance and stay "plugged in" so as to move by God's power, not mine.

*Ministry Opportunities - here at the Dream Center after I graduate, with Derek.

*The Workout Class - that it goes well, girls are encouraged, we get healthy and have fun!

*Focus and Diligence in my studies and blogging! SCRIPTURE MEMORIZATION (major prayer)

I don't know how much more to fill you in... there will be more blogs to come, I mentioned. Some things learned, some testimonies of the Power in the Blood of Jesus, Dreams, Visions and the simple and pure goodness of God.

 Off to reading now. Several books this quarter.

Will also be fasting this week. A Church wide fast. Praying for BREAK THROUGH in areas that have held me down. "NO MORE!" Said God. "IT IS DONE."

Thank you for checking in and supporting me in prayer.

-Rachel-

W...Hello - Hello - Hello...W

It's been too long. I know... my apologies.

Lot's going on (as always).

Let me update you on the happenings of my heart...

Well. I'm here at the Joyce Meyer Ministry Academy in St. Louis, MO. I could have never guessed my life would take the twists and turns it has... but I am enjoying the ride. Safe and Secure in the hand of my Lord, even though things get bumpy and can go faster than I would like, He's got it under control and I am grateful.

Let me tell you a little about what my week looks like... to give you a glimpse into the craziness of my life. Now... mind you... I told God... "You have to keep me busy..." I needed this for my year waiting on Derek to come back to pass quickly. Get ready for busy.

Monday's are our day "OFF" but that really means HOMEWORK! I just joined a gym and they offer group fitness classes that I have been going to... the only catch, is that they are at 5:45am M - W - F  ... and I go on Thur evening too.... so. Start with workout and then a homework day with errands.

Tuesday's our most packed days... 7:30-8:30 Prayer in the Sanctuary

9:00-12:00 Classes à 1.) How to Hear from God  2.) New Testament

12-1:00 Lunch

1-4:00 Department (I'll tell you what that is in a minute)

5-7:00 Serving Dinner to the Community (if I serve in DC Café)

7-8:30 Attend Church Service - (this is every other week)

6-8:30 Studio 15 is the youth service ages 1^st grade to 5^th grade (this is every other week not doing DC Café)

Wednesday's 7:30-8:30 Prayer in the Sanctuary

9:00-12:00 Classes à 1.) Evangelism 2.) God's Armor Bearer

12-1:00 Lunch

1-5:00 Department

DEPARTMENT - we all have different department. I am in Maintenance Ministry... which means for me... Interior Design work, painting, remodeling, Décor work, etc. I am the only student that's been in this department... which is cool that they are utilizing gifts and abilities that I came to school with. My interior design background and painting skills have already come in handy.

I am currently working on the BOUTIQUE which is basically like a thrift store that people can come in and get clothing for free. On Sundays the church offers showers and an outfit to those that come in and need it. The boutique was gray and drab, just a basement with racks of clothes. It's coming along! I have been painting and making window treatments and other little décor items.

Amongst this, are random things like painting doors, remodeling a bathroom area and in the idea gathering stages of revamping the Annex (the guys dorm, and a place where we have classes)... I have my work cut out for me!

Thursday's 7:30-8:30 Prayer in the Sanctuary

9:00-12:00 Classes à 1.) Bible Basics 2.)Heurmenutics (how to study the bible)

12-1:00 Lunch

1-5:00 Department

Friday's 8-9:00 Corem Deo ( a prayer service / teachings)

9:30-12:00 Department

12-1:00 Lunch

1-5:00 Department

6:30-10:00 Street Evangelism (every other Friday)

Saturday's

8:30-12:00 Adopt-a-Block (visiting neighborhood community - relationship building & meeting needs - home repair, lawn care... etc.)

Or Kidz Jam - a youth carnival of sorts - food, games, face paint, teachings / skits...

OPEN - - (which really means doing homework!)

Sunday's

8-10:30 I work in the Nursery

11-12:30 Attend Service

OPEN

This is a crazy busy schedule huh!

What has surprised me more is the amount of time I spend with the girls in the house in conversations. God has talked to my heart quite a bit about ministering to the girls here and listening to their hearts. There have been several ideas He has laid on my heart to do with the girls, to hang on the walls/ mirrors etc in the house... declaring our identity in Christ and standing on God's Truth's and Promises. Anyway... it's a lot of work. I am CONSTANTLY dependent upon the Holy Spirit to help me. Give me ideas, energy, words of encouragement and more. 

PLEASE - PLEASE - PLEASE - PRAY   FOR   ME ...

Volunteering at the Joyce Meyer Women's Convention... (next blog)

My main prayer needs are that of energy and making right food choices. It's tough here with the types of food around, I want to make good and healthy choices and be an example of discipline and self control... because God has given us that spirit! Just need some exercising of it! 

I appreciate all those reading and choosing to pray for me.

I hope this gave you and update of my happenings... I have some lesson blogs that I want to do as well... but wanted to fill ya in first. I'll see where I can squeeze in time for another blog! 

God Bless.

-Rachel-

I was at a standstill as to what to do next... as you may have read in my last blog. That was posted a day before the Joyce Meyer convention here in St. Paul. I was having a day... and really feeling lost... the Lord showed me the vision and I had an expectant heart that He was going to speak to me at the convention. I went and was fairly adamant with God... "LORD, YOU HAVE TO SHOW ME - TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO NEXT" - - He knows I'll do it... as I want desperately to obey. The first night was an evening session that I got to early and had amazing seats... the end of the 7^th row. As I had time to toot around.. I went up by the resource table area and saw a booth that mentioned something about a Minstry Academy. I walked over and talked to a very well spoken, pretty girl named Carlie. I inquired about what this all was... she went on to tell me it's a Ministry Academy founded by Joyce Meyer Minstries and associated with Pillsbury College & Seminary. They work with and through the St. Louis Dream center and pair ministry education with inner city mission work (or ministry) as well. My ears perked up... so? I wondered does Joyce stop by and teach a bit? Yes... she comes over every so often, but she's not a professor there or anything... anyway... we talked and the seed was planted. The next day, I had that on my mind... went back to the booth and asked more questions. She said I could go to school the fall & spring semesters and would be able to get my WMasters in Applied Christianity - a ministry degree which I could use in all aspects of ministry. She said that every conference they give out a $1000.00 scholarship and that tuition included room/board, books, etc. Everything in one shot. It helped to be able to talk this over with a good friend (Joyce fan) Melissa, talked to momm and Patti a bit too. WOverall... My heart and life was given its next assignment. I just knew.  

So Saturday, the final day of the conference, I filled out my paperwork telling them I was interested in this, and got the school application. A lot of paperwork and prayer as to prior school credits and transcripts working out properly etc etc. (which is still in the works - please pray) WI sent everything this morning!

This Thursday as I was working on my application I got a call from Carlie at the school asking how the application was coming along and if I had any questions, she answered them, and asked if there was anything else... I said "yeh, when are you guys going to give out that scholarship?" - she responded "actually that's why I was calling... (I thought in my head, oh I wonder who they gave it to?) - she went on to say "we decided to award the scholarship to you" - - - I said, "to who?" and she said... "TO YOU!" I was shocked... honestly. I freaked out. I was already counting my blessings at the fact that my heart was finally at peace in the decision of what the next step is for me... to just know... is a GOOD feeling. This was now just over the top God's goodness as well...

GOD IS GOOD!

I was trying to think of ways to raise funds for tuition and living... it's funny how God plopped this in my life now. 6 months ago I could have paid for school without hesitation... but now with savings dwindling I don't have it. Hence getting the word out again as to what God's doing in my life, and asking for support $ and most importantly PRAYER. This isn't easy... in the least... Humbling experience, really. 

WSo here are a few ways in which were laid on my heart to do so. First the book. His book, well our book... the love story between my Lord and I... called "Love Notes from My Lord"... He had me put this together in the Jan - Feb area to get ready for the women's speaking engagement at Southbridge (which strangely enough it wasn't shipped here for it)... well NOW IT's HERE! It's available for $22.oo- if I don't have to mail it out, and $25.00 if I do. It's a fun book, and I kid you not... many that read it... start to be given hearts from the Lord as well. Children especially. It's neat... and I can't wait to see what else the Lord is going to do with it!

Please send a check or cash to

Rachel Hartman

20043 Sand Creek Dr.

Jordan, MN 55352

Remember to give me your address so I can send it out.

Any other one time donations would be greatly appreciated... THANKS!

WThe other fundraisers - are a Jewelry Party - mom & I are having August 5-6 (Thur & Fri) starting @ 6:30 here at our house... where we'll be selling some of mom's Silpada jewelry & other cute stuff to pair it up with or just wear separate. We'll help to add advice as to how to wear the jewelry and what it would look good with! Yeah! - - I love jewelry.

WLast is a GARAGE SALE!

This is going to be the weekends of August 19-21 and Aug 26-28. Please come and check things out... there is going to be a lot of cute stuff... and if you would like to donate good selling items I would welcome the help. (no crusty Tupperware please, hahaha)

Funds raised will be going to tuition and living expenses. The reason it's something to fundraise for is that a large portion of this time is given to inner city mission work. 50-60 hours a week is devoted to classes and everyday but one is some sort of ministry I will be serving in through the St. Louis Dream Center. Sports ministry - street ministry - tutoring - creative arts - after school feeding program - homeless shelter - nursing home ministry - kids ministry - elementary school assemblies - and prison ministry. A variety of all of these I will be serving in over the next school year. WHOA! Therefore jobs are not allowed (or even possible to have) during the school year.

I know God wants me to go... and I don't believe (I know) He doesn't want me in debt to attend either... I ask that you prayerfully consider supporting me in this, every little bit helps.

That's what's up friends, family and blog-stalkers! 

So more of these lessons God's teaching me and things He shows me are in the near future... but He's going to start to really download me with Biblical knowledge and more wisdom through His word and life experiences. Then... I'll pass it on to you... my outlet avenue for now... my heart tells me I'll be speaking to young girls... well 10-25 area... but we'll see. I would love for you to help be a part of this next journey, as you have perhaps followed me on the last... it's all one I suppose, as are we the BODY of CHRIST... this is just another leg of the race. 

Thank You for Your Support...

it's making Kingdom Impact - I assure you...

PRAISE GOD!

this is a repost of the events one year ago today!  God is still good, faithful, gracious and loving... sparing my life... or simply spending a low-key day with me now.
(worth the read! pass it on... this testimony is outta control!)

more to come....

My Day... May 8^th, 2009 a day I will NEVER forget.

Worship at 8 am. I shared with the team what I was going through the day before. (the Raw posted prior to this blog) Just having a day. They thanked me for sharing and being honest. I felt good, heard, supported and just getting crap off my chest always helps me. 9 am we met with the The Friend (ka-wan) Center staff to find out what we were to do for the day. Since we serve breakfast (consisting of buttered bread and Milo or Coffee) we were to split up as to who would to do what. A couple people doing the bread and butter, some in the kitchen helping prepare for lunch and today some where to go out and do some street evangelism. Anna, Zack, Jenn and I went out to the streets.

The three girls split off on our own. Not before praying that God guide us and give us the words to speak. We prayed especially that He would put people in our path. (this is not our favorite thing to do) This really stretches some of us and challenges us to go by faith and to really listen to the voice of God. I ended up seeing a girl from across the street sitting on the steps of a mall by herself. She didn't look homeless, just bored, waiting for someone.

I went to talk to her, her name is Nadia and she is an amazing 17 year old girl who is just about to begin college. She wants to be a doctor. She speaks English very well, is super sweet and pretty funny. We talked about a lot of things. One that stood out to me was Religion... of course. She is Muslim, and she told me a little about it. She doesn't practice all the things that they teach because she doesn't really think they are necessary. For example, wearing the head coverings, long sleeves, can't touch a boys hand etc.

I shared with her that I was raised Catholic and I didn't believe in all the things that they teach and rules they follow. I said that I wanted to know God and if I wasn't going to fully believe in something (Catholicism) I didn't want to be a part of it. I chose to be Christian. Simply follow, know, love Christ.

She looked like a normal teenage girl. One your might see in the US. Anyway. It was a wonderful conversation that had me thanking God I went out that morning.

We all got back about 11:45 made some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (a world race favorite) and rushed to our next location of ministry. The Cheshire Home for handicapped and mentally disabled people. We got there during their work time. What they did was pull little pieces of rubber out of long plastic tubes. It was really easy, kept them busy and they made money from it. It was nice and cool in the area and they didn't seem to mind. One lady that I was particularly drawn to was pulling the little rubber things out with her teeth and spitting them out. She had a stroke and her left side was paralyzed. She spoke some English but you couldn't understand her very well at all. I told her she had a cute haircut (she did) and I started to adopt her method of rubber removing, she really enjoyed it. I later met up with her again when she was doing some physical therapy I told her I truly believed she would get better.

There was a boy there that was severely handicapped. No one knew his name. Darci spent most of the morning tickling him, making him giggle and talking to him. I was by him during their snack time. Dave was close by chatting with another guy. So this snack time of theirs consisted of tea and these super sticky gooey patties with a corn mush inside. Very strange. I was given a few for him with his tea. I had to pour the tea in his mouth little by little so he didn't choke. I pulled apart this gooey thing into small pieces to feed him. I put the small pieces in his mouth and he would begin to kinda chew them or tongue them around. Well, this didn't work out well either because the pieces would get stuck to the roof of his mouth. When I saw that they weren't going down I would ask him what I should do. He obviously couldn't respond but thought it was funny that this was happening. I told him I wasn't going to stick my finger in his mouth to get it down, and asked what should I do to help. He giggled and thought is was so funny. He has amazing eyes that just light up and communicate so much when he is unable to. I thought it was funny but I really didn't know what to do. I ended up getting a spoon and fishing out the glob from the roof of his mouth a couple times for him to chew it and swallow it. I was telling him he can't have this snack again, he should be having crackers or something that dissolves. I think he agreed.

We sang some songs for the group and later helped them brush their teeth when the dental assistants showed up. This was quite an experience as well. I helped brush a ladies teeth because she didn't want Dave to. As Dave stood by he was bit by an ant and this lady thought it was hysterical. Her toothpaste gooping out of her mouth as she laughed at him. Me holding the toothbrush waiting to get into her mouth to get another chance to brush her rotting teeth. Her gums were bleeding and I just stopped to pray for her mouth. Prayed that she wasn't experiencing any pain. There is nothing she could do about the condition of her teeth. I wheeled her back by some of her friends and she gave me a tight squeeze around my hips, from her wheelchair.

Sigh.

We left. Went to eat dinner with Terrance (a ministry contact) and back "home". This is where things get interesting. I was early evening when some of us decided to take naps and just hang out. It was a really long day already. I did some laundry, took a shower, and got an awesome time in my timed word find. We have a word find that all of us have been timing ourselves to see who can get the best score. I was timed by Zack & Jenn just before I decided to go watch the sunset and spend some time with God.

I had found this great spot on the roof top that was quiet and kinda hidden. I was up there the night before ( Thursday )away from people. About an hour or so after I wrote my last blog, the Raw one. The rest of the team went out for dinner, I heard them from the outside leaving the building. They knew I needed some time. I was up there just dealing with stuff... the day's events and all that God was teaching me. Having me go through...

I am going to jump back to Thursday night for a bit because I was up on the roof at the same time spending it with God and going through the days emotions and things I was working through. I read the book of Jonah because later that evening Dave was going to teach me a bit about it... and go through it with me. (thank you Dave) As I read it I was really affected by the part where God said to Jonah in Jonah's complaining, "The LORD replied, "Do you have any right to be angry?" (Jonah 4:4) God said this twice to Jonah.

It was what I needed to hear considering I was just frustrated with myself and community living. Needing to discuss things with the team before doing things etc, etc. I chose into this... I asked for brokenness. What right do I have to be upset and angry? - - - none.

So I go back up to my "hiding spot" on the roof top to watch the sunset and to Praise God for a good day and all the things He is teaching me. I told Him, I give You me" amongst my prayers to Him ( I remember). I took pictures of the sunset again and also recorded my surroundings and (for some reason) I read out loud to God Psalm 30. It goes like this...

LORD, I will give you honor.

You brought me out of deep trouble.

You didn't give my enemies the joy of seeing me die.

LORD my God, I called out to you for you for help.

And you healed me.

LORD, you brought me up from the edge of the grave.

Your kept me from going down into the pit.

Sing to the LORD, you who are faithful to him.

Praise him, because his name is holy.

His anger lasts for only a moment.

But his favor lasts for a person's whole life.

Sobbing can remain through the night.

But joy comes in the morning.

When I felt safe, I said,

"I will always be secure."

LORD, when you showed me your favor,

you made my mountain stand firm.

But when you turned your face away from me,

I was terrified.

LORD, I called out to you.

I cried to you for your favor.

I said, "What good will come if I die?

What good will come if I go down into the grave?

Can the dust of my dead body praise you?

Can it tell how faithful you are?

LORD, hear me. Show me your favor.

LORD, help me."

You turned my loud crying into dancing.

You removed my black clothes and dressed me with joy.

So my heart will sing to you. I can't keep silent.

LORD, my God, I will give you thanks forever.

I took a couple of pictures after I read this and said good night to God again. As I was going to head down the pitch of the roof toward the building I somehow took a step or lost my balance and stepped on the opposite side of the peak of the roof.

I broke through the tin of the roof and fell about 30' until I finally hit the second floor below me. I remember when I was falling in complete disbelief it was happening. I thought to myself easily twice during the fall... "I can't believe this is happening, I can't believe this is happening." I hit a beam before hitting the ceiling and finally landing.

                                  
about 30' - - the top of the wall to the floor was 12' and i fell from the peak...

When I landed I thought that I was in the ceiling above a kitchenette area or over Zack & Dave's room. (both areas would have been worse because I would have landed on furniture such as a table, desk, chair, refrigerator etc) instead I landed in the hallway in between 2 walls. Perfectly centered. I was speaking to the floor moaning Zack's name cuz I could hear his voice. The power went out because I got caught up on some electrical wires. The injury that probably hurts the worst, besides my back is the burn on my inner left arm. It's gonna leave quite a scar.

I could feel my face bleeding and couldn't breathe because of all the dirt and dust that was everywhere. Tons and tons of dirt came billowing down. Darci said it reminded her of a 9-11 scene because of the dust and debri. I heard Zack behind me and saw Jenn in front of me. There was a little bit of light coming from a source behind Jenn. When I saw her I knew she wasn't going to be able to lift me up. My hip was hurt really bad and my left leg was hung up on a cord, I didn't want to pull her down. Thankfully Zack was already behind me and helped lift me up and Jenn guided us out. My hip was bad. I have never broken anything so I didn't know what the damage was. There was some panic but everyone worked SO well together. It was amazing. I had to go down several stairs to finally get a chance to lay down without dust in the air. I remember having really short breaths and dull moaning of pain. I couldn't cry. Zack was right in my face. His beautiful and comforting blue eyes helped me so much. He let me know how my body looked, what cuts and scrapes I had and how bad they appeared to be. I wanted to know cuz I couldn't see them. He would wipe the blood that was running in my eye from my cut. My biggest concern was my hip. If it was fractured our out of place. My second concern was my eye and how bad the cut was...just thinking about scaring and face stuff.

Anna was close by. She put on my shoe that fell off and checked my pulse. She was calm and a sweet smiling face to see. Jenn had a serious look of concern on her face, but I knew she was hard at prayer too which I needed. I heard Di frantically making phone calls to 911, which isn't 911 in Mal - aysia it's 999. She called our ministry contact Peter and made sure an ambulance was coming. ( I said I didn't need one, with concern about the cost) Dave contacted AIM and other leaders while Darci pulled together things I would need for the hospital. I definitely needed to go. I moved to the ground level and thought I was going to throw up. Down more stairs and finally laying on the floor waiting for the ambulance for a good 45 min to an hour. I laid on Zack's lap and held Jenn & Anna's hands as we waited. I was able to relax at this point for a while.

(As seen below)

The ambulance showed up and they got the stretcher out and a stablizing board. I shifted onto the board and they rolled me into the ambulance. Darci & Di came with me. The ambulance was nothing more than an empty van with a light on top. The guy in the van didn't speak English very well plus he had a face mask on and wouldn't take it off for use to read his lips. It wasn't the most pleasant ride, but it ended up being free so I can't complain.

We show up at the hospital and the first thing I notice is how rough they were with me. Poking, pulling and twisting me asking me questions that I couldn't understand clearly because of their broken English and probably I was distracted by some pain too at this point. I got off the gurney and they started to clean me up. Or I should say myself, Di and Darci started to clean me up. When the ER room attendants (not sure what they are called) started to clean me up they were really fast and rough. One of the men wiped my face where my cuts were and down my nose and pulled out my nose ring. Let me add that this is hard to do because it had a twist to the metal and kinda clamped in my nose. Anyway. It's gone now. I was praying for the Lord's patience.

I got another tetnis shot and a pain killer shot... which was a pain in the butt...literally.

Darci wheeled me to the x-ray area and I was told to get up on the stainless steel table. The guy was rushing me and I shushed him sternly. Darci thought it was funny, but I wasn't in the mood. He said (as many of them did) "ok, no problem, no problem." I wanted to scream. Sheer frustration and pain. Back in the ER area waiting for the next step the place started to get really busy. I was told to get up on a table where they were going to start stitching me up when I finally get up there I was told to get down because another emergency came in. Move quickly again, of course. There was a med student named Ron that was there, I asked if he could help us out. What to do next, where to go, who we could talk to.

He asked what happened to me, I said, "I fell through a roof."

He said,"Oh really, what were you doing on the roof?"

I replied, "Praying."

He looked at me weird and asked, "What religion are you?"

I said, "Christian."

He said, "What denomination of Christianity prays on the roof?"

I laughed and said, "I was praying and watching the sunset, you don't believe me? Why would l lie about that?"

He said with a smile, "It's hard to believe."

And he's right... it is hard to believe.

On with my story. Or the saga continues...

The plastic surgen came in and decided to take me to another room. I was happy to get out of the chaos. Ron followed and ended up hanging out the rest of the night. I was only allowed one person with me so Darci was with me at first and then lucky little Di got to be with me for stitches. My cuts were really dirty so Dewa (surgen) had to clean them out. The ones by my eye weren't super deep, but the one on my left elbow was. That gash is/was about 1/4" deep by an inch long, pretty gross.

First came the numbing shots. Here's where the pain was insane. I have a high pain tolerance. This put me over the edge. The shots in the cuts under my eye drove me to tears. I had to take a min after each shot to gain my composure and allow him to do another. I had about 4 shots in each cut. By the 2-3 I just started picturing the cross. I gave up and gave it to God. I couldn't take it anymore. I almost didn't care what else was to come, and I started to literally be numb to the pain. Mentally and emotionally numb. It was a weird state to be in.

The bed I laid on was the most comfortable position my back had been in all night and I didn't want to move. Literally. I just wanted to be left there.

Ron and Dewa provided entertaining conversation. Good guys. Ron had several questions about who we were, what we were doing in Penang, who we were associated with, etc. etc. Di and I got a little nervous about all the questions. But at the same time we were like, whatever, what were they going to do? They checked out my x-ray and said I was fine, no broken bones, no fractures. A miracle. Falling 30' and nothing. They were amazed. As were we. Praise God.

I was all stitched up and heading out the door when Di noticed this. Apparently it's a type of solution for surgeries or something. Cool.

I was wheeled out by Peter ( our ministry contact ) and headed to anther YWAM location because ours now had no power and was crazy messy. Jenn & Anna were there while Zack & Dave went to stay at a YWAM staffer and now friend, Travis's.

As I got out of the shower, Darci was in the bathroom. She was still in disbelief that this happened, as was I. I looked in the mirror and for the first time really saw the cut under my eye. It really couldn't have gotten any closer without affecting my actual eyeball. I was humbled by God's love, His grace and His mercy for sparing me. I could only repeat in my head over and over as I cried from sheer exhaustion and thankfulness. GOD IS SO GOOD, HE IS SO GOOD. She patted my back and agreed, said I had a long day and it was ok to cry. Sigh.

I got into bed oh, so slowly and the girls prayed for me and thanked God for His amazing love.

It's been one week. Almost to the hour I was sitting on the roof I lay in bed typing this now. I will post later this tomorrow morning (Sat May 15^th)

As of now, my stitches around my eye are out. My burn on my left inner arm is healing well, but hurts very much. It was a second degree burn and may leave a wonderful rememberance scar. My back is still numb, swollen and hurts quite a bit. So prayer for these areas would be nice.

I can't thank my team enough for taking care of me. I can't thank our ministry contacts, Peter, Puspa, Rachel, and Terrance enough for their prayers and support either. But most importantly... GOD.

It honestly is a miracle story. If you could have really seen where I fell from, what I didn't hit, where I didn't land, who I didn't fall onto... you could really grasp the grace God had in the situation. Quite the testimony God has recently equipped me with. To fall 30' through a beam, ceiling, electrical wires and whatnot, to walk away with cuts and bruises is something I will NEVER forget. Hence the Day I will NEVER forget... and GOD'S LOVE and MERCY upon me on that particular day with forever be in my heart.

Therefore.

As I read that night so I repeat again now... Psalm 30

LORD, I will give you honor.

You brought me out of deep trouble.

You didn't give my enemies the joy of seeing me die.

LORD my God, I called out to you for you for help.

And you healed me.

LORD, you brought me up from the edge of the grave.

Your kept me from going down into the pit.

Sing to the LORD, you who are faithful to him.

Praise him, because his name is holy.

His anger lasts for only a moment.

But his favor lasts for a person's whole life.

Sobbing can remain through the night.

But joy comes in the morning.

When I felt safe, I said,

"I will always be secure."

LORD, when you showed me your favor,

you made my mountain stand firm.

But when you turned your face away from me,

I was terrified.

LORD, I called out to you.

I cried to you for your favor.

I said, "What good will come if I die?

What good will come if I go down into the grave?

Can the dust of my dead body praise you?

Can it tell how faithful you are?

LORD, hear me. Show me your favor.

LORD, help me."

You turned my loud crying into dancing.

You removed my black clothes and dressed me with joy.

So my heart will sing to you. I can't keep silent.

LORD, my God, I will give you thanks forever.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

 We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us . . . And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. (Marianne Williamson)

When I first read this quote, I thought, No, that's not true. We don't fear our glory. We fear we are not glorious at all. We fear that at bottom, we are going to be revealed as . . . disappointments. Mandela is just trying to make a nice speech, like a sermon, to buoy us up for a day or two. But as I thought about it more, I realized we do fear our glory. We fear even heading this direction because, for one thing, it seems prideful. Now pride is a bad thing, to be sure, but it's not prideful to embrace the truth that you bear the image of God. Paul says it brings glory to God. We walk in humility because we know it is a glory bestowed. It reflects something of the Lord's glory.  

(Waking the Dead , 87)                            (MY QUESTION: DO WE KNOW?)

On the other hand... I came across a situation about a week ago... regarding a fear...

a new revelation of fear.

So this reading above talks about fearing a glory that God has bestowed upon us... (upon me.)

-we can get to that another day... or next blog I'll repeat the upper reading and dive into its intention...

TODAY:

What about fearing the sinful nature that dwells within us too?

I was reminded last week from satan... the things I am capable of doing. The damage I have to power to inflict. The power to destroy or take someone "off track" in their walk with Christ.

I know how to manipulate, tempt, sway, and lie. I have done this. Not knowingly causing a separation and a distance in not only my relationship with the Lord, but others.

I had no idea. Or I should say I was blinded. 

Lust of the Flesh.

It even sounds sinful and creates a sickness in my stomach typing it... rereading it. Ick.

I think it's because I have pain associated with this. Pain that I have gone through... and the mere thought that I have caused pain because of this is even more disheartening.

Satan had his claws in me one night, reminding me that I possess this power. 

This sinful nature, this ability to cause pain... and it brought me down, it hurt, I felt dirty and unworthy of love.

I don't remember a time that I actually felt this way, but known a difference. There are many times that I have believed these lies and agreed to them... but this time was different. and needed God's strength, and His truth to set me free from these thoughts that plagued my mind.

Lust of the Flesh is something I acted on... so there was rarely a fight of "should I's or shouldn't I's"

It was reactionary... it was giving in to the lies... and not contending with them, not knowing and definitely not believing the TRUTH in the matter.

The TRUTH that I am worthy, loved, precious in His eyes. His princess, His daughter, clean and pure before Him though the blood and forgiveness of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Those TRUTHs never used to come to mind, and IF even if... I caught a glimpse of them... it was quickly stomped out by the enticing sin before me, and the familiar ways of doing things.

Man o Man...

This night, this lesson was one of the hardest things I have EVER learned... and still am learning...

My identity was challenged. My "newness" was tempted to give in to the old.

I had to bring myself to the FOOT OF THE CROSS and SURRENDER these feelings, these thoughts to the LORD.

I COULD NOT FIGHT on my own. I didn't know how to.

I only knew what I was used to... which was giving in and surrendering to SIN.

PRAISE GOD I can now recognize these lies as what they are... LIES!  

I have a CHOICE in the matter... I am NOT as I was but have been created NEW.

Colossians 3:9-10

⁹Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices ¹⁰and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.

So as I read the upper excerpt today... I was reminded not that I really fear the Glory of God in me... but I have feared the opposite... and it only came to pass... when I was shown this ability while with a person I love. Someone whom satan was tempting me to "destroy"... satan was reminding me of the pain I have to potential to inflict. When that is the LAST thing I would ever want to do to anyone and especially this particular love. The fact that I know how... is sickening... and in those moments... I HAD TO give the situation over the Lord... I couldn't deal with it...

He is Mighty to Save.

It wasn't immediate peace. But there was a sense of freedom. The freedom was that I could SEE. That I could FEEL the difference... See the spiritual attack that I was under, and Feel the weight of the moment lifted off as I surrendered all of the feelings and emotions to the Lord.

Through PRAYER and CONVERSATION with God... He taught me SOOOOOO much in how to

Recognize, Fight, and Ultimately Surrender...

There is more to this story, more to this lesson... but I think I am still reveling in it all... still taking in that night.

Just wanted to share.

It was on my heart to do so...    and so I do.

The only thing I can think on how to encourage you... my dear reader peeps... is to ask God to reveal the things you may be in darkness about, to have His light shine in areas you are unaware of.

               This challenged my identity... but first I had to know where my identity lies.

                                      Do you know where your IDENTITY LIES?            ( another blog soon)

That actually may be the start. "THANKS GOD"... that's it...

I will repeat that one more time and end in simply this... deeply this... essentially this...

Qualities That Speak of God

Can there be any doubt that God wants to be sought after?

The first and greatest of all commands is to love him

  ²⁹"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one.³⁰Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. Mark 12:29-30.

³⁶"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" ³⁷Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' ³⁸This is the first and greatest commandment.Matt. 22:36-38.

He wants us to love him. To seek him with all our heart. A woman longs to be sought after, too, with the whole heart of her pursuer. God longs to be desired. Just as a woman longs to be desired. This is not some weakness or insecurity on the part of a woman, that deep yearning to be desired. God feels the same way. Remember the story of Martha and Mary? Mary chose God, and Jesus said that was what he wanted. "Mary has chosen what is better" (Luke 10:42). She chose me.

Life changes dramatically when romance comes into our lives. Christianity changes dramatically when we discover that it, too, is a great romance. That God yearns toshare a life of beauty, intimacy, and adventure with us.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love" (Jer. 31:3). This whole world was made for romance-the rivers and the glens, the meadows and the beaches. Flowers, music, a kiss. But we have a way of forgetting all that, losing ourselves in work and worry. Eve-God's message to the world in feminine form-invites us to romance. Through her, God makes romance a priority of the universe.

So God endows Woman with certain qualities that are essential to relationship, Qualities that Speak of God. She is inviting. She is vulnerable. She is tender. She embodies mercy. She is also fierce and fiercely devoted. As the old saying goes, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." That's just how God acts when he isn't chosen. "I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God who will not share your affection with any other god!" (Ex. 20:5 NLT). A woman's righteous jealousy speaks of the jealousy of God for us.

Tender and inviting, intimate and alluring, fiercely devoted.

Where to begin with all this?

How can you not be moved when reading this? Especially women? How can you not feel that deep desire to be desired? But desired in a way that's honest, pure, and godly. Not the desired way that is sneaky, dirty and dangerous. That's not the adventure I'm talking about. 

I'm talking about the one that tugs at your heart for you to get outside and go for a walk... maybe to get the exercise, or was it because God wanted to show you the beautiful sunset He made for you? Did you even recognize it? Or were you too busy planning the week away, or complaining about the day's events to truly "take in" what He had for you in that moment?>

It's the adventure and that spontinaity of God when He shows you something in a new light that you have never seen before, and there is NO WAY it could be anyone but GOD, that intimate conversation that He has with you that goes straight to your heart. That touches the core of your being. A place that you 1.) may not know exists or 2.) haven't allowed anyone in to, to really find out where it is and what it feels like there.

He knows it exists, because HE created it. He wired us this way WOMEN! Embrace it. 

There is balance to it all though. And the balance comes FIRST when we have allowed God into our Hearts to do the work, repair, and captivating of it.

                              FIRST - FIRST - FIRST

                           Then. Then. And only then...

Will He give you more to take on, more hearts to love, more love to absorb, and more love to allow to flow out of you. THEN He will give you the desires of your heart. What He desires for your heart to desire. Not what YOU think you need, want, or deserve...

You will wonder... with awe, amazement, humility and passion "where all this love comes from? and What am I going to do with it all?" And you will FEEL the difference and remember where your heart used to be. God will remind you of the past, not because He wants to shame you, and make you feel bad for the way you once were; or the way you treated yourself, and others. 

This is the kindness that leads to repentance. This is the everlasting, steadfast and enduring love of our Father. 

These are the Qualities that Speak of MY GOD!... and yours too!

                          If you LET HIM!